Carrying on to strength

Well I’m back again folks been a little busy getting a foot amputation. I know that I had said I had prepared for this because after all it’s been since December 9th I’ve known it was going to happen.  That being said, The first 2 days were ok 3/4 not the best you get the picture things keep moving more and more into anxiety and depression mode. The pain is actually a lot better it has its extreme moments but over all I have less pain. The Drs told me when I got home I’ll still feel a little weird from all the new meds and from the many surgeries with anesthesia by the way did you know that even though anesthesia leaves your body within 24 hrs it can effect your brain in little ways for like a month? I just learned this because I feel bat shit crazy and the dr explained to me with this many surgeries it’s quite normal. When I talk I forget what I’m saying in the middle of a sentence. I forget to do certain things. It’s awful. I’ve also got this tremor in my hands and nerves that jump all over my body and that is when my foot hurts the most because those nerves get all crazy and wacked out LOL, it’s true though. I’m going through so many physical changes due amputation and to all the new meds he put me on. I feel like I could really break down today. I am completely helpless right now I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself because even at home I’ve fallen twice. I’m sure someone can relate, someone has to get my food , get me in and out of tub, get me on the toilet and back up (getting up is much harder than going to sit) I know this going to pass but I’m a super duper control freak so I’m dying here I also have always been extremely independent and these days I’m not! I was bad before the surgery but I’m worse now, at least before I could go pee by myself no one had to lift me off the toilet for goodness sakes! The couch or bed is all I’ve got right now and I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues. I feel as if everyone has heard about it so much they don’t want to hear about it anymore. I can’t even go to a AA meeting cause I can’t ride In a car until I see dr in Thursday, reasoning is if there is an accident I could injure myself really badly on the left foot. I’m bored I’m sad as hell I keep thinking its not forever but right now in the moment I feel like an Ogar now I have this ugly stump! I feel alone and tired! I want to cry all the time I feel like a baby and I don’t like it. I’m a hot hot mess right now I’m not in a good way. I will end with this I love my GOD and he has a plan and I’m just following his lead I know he is the one to give me strength through all of this I know it’s all part of a bigger plan I know that right now I’m so low I know I’m not walking with him but he is carrying me❤️

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Emotionally feeling

As an alcoholic in sobriety feeling emotions is awkward. It takes time and WORK to let your emotions out let alone handle them appropriately. For instance it is easier for me to share on social media or on this blog than it is for me to actually talk about things via phone or face to face. And I’ve had a tendency  to hold things in until I’m inconsolable and angry, ready for a fight . Because of course I haven’t felt for over 22 yrs because I drank all those feelings of inadequacy, anger, sadness, anxiety , depression even happiness away. I’m learning now that just because I ask for help or say I need to let it out I am not weak actually it’s quite the opposite I’m strong, I’m a fighter, because I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. I went to my first Drs appointment of the week yesterday and got the news that my foot is in worse condition than we even thought and I am now on bed rest until my appointment with the vascular surgeon. I was told it would be a miracle if I don’t lose my whole foot and will most probably need a below the knee amputation. Before it was more of the fact that I needed to see the vascular surgeon and will likely lose part your foot maybe all of it and possibly a BKA (below the knee amputation) but that’s drastic. In the 3 weeks since the news of the fact I will lose part of my foot the necrosis and circulation is so poor my foot looks almost grey. I have attached a picture but it actually looks worse than the picture, at least that’s what the dr and my husband said. My dr also found that under all my toes my skin is blue and the only way I get any type of relief is through elevation, pain meds and rest. So today I actually opened up and said I need help! I’m an emotional wreck! I thought I was totally prepared to lose the foot and even feeling ok with a BKA (worst case scenerio)as long as the pain was gone. Don’t get me wrong I know this needs to be done and the pain will just get worse as it has been but I’m scared. What if something goes wrong? What if I get a blood clot? What if I don’t make it through the surgery because my blood pressure is so low? What if pain is worse? Those are just the things I’m scared of. I’m also angry! I’m angry with the Drs that screwed up the first surgery as I was told this never should have happened, that the necrotic tissue should have been completely removed on the first surgery. And after the second surgery it should have been removed as soon as they knew it was there but they didn’t know it was there cause the pathologist didn’t see it! It was found on a second and third opinion on the pathology. I’m angry at our development because they knew there was an overpopulation of cottonmouths in our area but no one was notified and nothing was done until after I lost my toe then they just asked residents to report snake sighting and so not get close to the snakes…I’m sorry but DUH yeah don’t get close to them. They started an “investigation”in sept which was one month after my second surgery but still nothing has been done. I’m angry that I can’t take care of my kids or my husband. I have been a terrible wife and mother for years due to my addiction to every and all liquor,beer,wine, I mean it really didn’t matter. Getting sober and learning to live life again after over 22 years of drinking is NOT easy. I’m learning all over again how to live,love, forgive, humble myself, trust in GOD and other people ,which is a huge stretch for me cause Ive never  trusted anything or anyone. Today I’m reaching out a lot and I’m praying a lot I’m keeping close to my big book my friends both AA and the normies LOL. I’m thanking GOD a lot for all of the support I have and for his grace to forgive me for my sins past and present. I know he loves me and forgives me but I was raised in a verbally abusive household where you were going to hell for everything and anything bad that happened was due to something I did wrong (karma). I can’t help but wonder if all of this is punishment for sins of my past, I mean bitten by a serpent that in a lot of cases represents the devil. Now that I wrote that and said it out loud maybe it was the devil maybe he’s pissed because I’m a born again Christian and I turn only to GOD for answers and I know he is my father and that he sent his only son to die for MY SINS! And that this is just proving even further that GOD loves me and he is carrying me through this pain because I honestly don’t know how I am doing this without being riddled with depression and selfishness not to mention going through it without a drink! Tomorrow I will find out the final decision on my foot (GOD WILLING). I see my neurologist and the vascular surgeon late tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I can update everyone soon after that once I notify friends and family. Thanks to all for listening to my ramble….love and peace always❤️