Hello all! Boy has my life changed. With my new amputation I feel completely helpless. I cannot do much by myself….but I can write! The last few days my attitude has gone from super positive to anger, self pity and depression. In the last 3 days I’ve fallen about 5 times hurting both knees, my hip and straining my wrist, I feel like a Mac truck hit me and bruised me all over. I was able to get up and down the stairs on my bottom like a child but now my husband has to throw me over his shoulder and carry me up because I’m so bruised up and in so much pain all over. I also found out that with a PFT (partial foot amputation) that I am at high risk of eventually getting a BKA (below the knee amp) especially since I have peripheral neuropathy and IGG deficiency which is an immune disease where my body doesn’t produce IGG which helps fight of infection. I’m still non weight baring from the amputation on Jan 24th and still have stitches in which means I still can’t make dinner, clean, do anything for my 3 yr old,I can’t even pick her up, or do anything for my family or anyone else. Friday I am “supposed” to get a heel boot and be able to slowly start walking on my heel and start physical therapy. I will also be fitted for my shoe insert and my prosthetic soon. I have found 2 support groups that have recently welcomed me with open arms. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I’m tired of being sick and tired I feel like my plate is over flowing with life in general. One of the girls that welcomed me has become my friend on Facebook and through her inspirational post today I decided to have a little talk with GOD….it went well😍. About halfway through the conversation I started to feel a sense of strength and hope. I realized it was GOD putting back together and back into positivity. Have the past few days been bad? Yes! Do I feel helpless? Yes! I’m I angry at the situation? Yes! Does this make me who I am? NO!!! I survived the venom of the highest level it could get, I survived 5 surgeries so far, I have made it through all my falls without serious injury,I have remained sober and I have picked my self up from falling into serious depression. I AM A STORY OF HOPE TO OTHERS, I AM AN AMPUTEE AND THATS OK! I AM UNIQUELY ME❣ I sat today and thanked GOD for getting me through everything and thanked him for every single little thing in my life (it was a long conversation LOL) None of what I’m going through makes me less than. I WILL persevere and I will be ok. I have so much support in my life from my family and my second family in the rooms of AA. I know I can do this and I know that this is nothing compared to what so many others go through. I know this journey is going to be lifelong and at times very difficult but I will make it! GOD will provide me with every NEED not WANT! I know GOD is next to me every day cheering me on to be the person he made me to be. I am here going through all of this for a purpose. I may have bad days but I’m human so whether im an amputee or not that will happen. Im on a journey that I need to be thankful for because whether I realize it or not it is a lesson, a gift from GOD to teach me strength , to teach me to humble myself, to teach me to be more aware of the feelings of others,to teach me love myself as I am, to teach me to help others when they need it, to teach me that where there is darkness there is also light! Has my life changed forever? YES! And I thank GOD for that because if I don’t embrace it I’m being non compliant to GODS plan. We all need to look into GODS plan and find the lesson rather than finding anger and despair in the things happening around us and to us. Until next time my friends let’s practice awareness!
Today I don’t need to dig too deep to see what I’m feeling because all my feelings, good & bad are right here at the surface of my soul. I’ve become more spiritual in recent months and I know more than anything that GOD is near to me, either carrying me or guiding me or even giving me that little nudge to let me know he’s here. Knowing all of that I ‘m still feeling as if it’s never going to get better though the reality is that it will get better but I just don’t feel that right now. I’m on the verge of tears every moment and even when I don’t want to talk about it a simple act of kindness by a “hey how are you feeling ?” Makes me feel like completely breaking down. I just say I’m doing ok because I know that if I say how bad i feel someone will want to talk about it further & sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. My ego is crushed I feel like a child trying to get around, my 3 yr old does better than me. I’m confined in our room, with no one to interact with as my husband is too busy with the kids, I feel very alone right now and don’t know which end is up! I need to pray and bring GOD to the surface to fight some of these feelings for me. I need to keep his love and power close to my heart to help me heal. GOD is the only that has the power to get me through this mess.