Wow! A lot has happened since my last post for those of you that don’t follow me on fb I will tell you I ended up in the hospital for 16 days with an infection in my partial foot amputation which did end in a below the knee amputation so things have been even crazier here now! My husband is going absolutely bonkers poor guy I don’t even know when he sleeps! I thank GOD for him everyday. So anyway today has not been the best day. I have felt just a little off if you know what I mean. My head felt very light and I felt like I was walking on air, which is not good when you’re on crutches.😂 I have had 2 close call falls one was yesterday and I fell into the microwave and the hook that closes the door latched on to my ear and tore a membrane inside so my ear is bleeding sometimes but I can hear and the dr said I’ll live 😂 now that you all are updated here’s why I’m writing today….. I have been staying pretty positive but today I feel so unworthy! Unworthy of everything. I feel like I am not good enough and I feel that now without my leg I’m even less worthy. Who’s going to want to hang out with someone who needs to crawl into the ocean or can’t walk because her leg has blisters from her prosthetic or someone who gets tired from walking too far. I know that I’m projecting but these are some of my fears. I feel like I’m no longer one of the pretty girls so why would the pretty girls want to hang with me except out of pity …. But there goes my ego who ever said I was one of the pretty girls anyway. Who wants to hang out with someone who can’t go anywhere because this accident financially broke us!? There goes my financial insecurities. I’m sure sitting on the pity pot today aren’t I? What the hell do you do though when bad things continually happen to you? When you feel like you are unworthy of everyone’s love? When life takes you to a new bottom? In the past I would drink it all away, a few bottles of wine and the fear would leave. Some whiskey and those financial insecurities were banished. End it all with one more bottle of wine and then you REALLY want to “end it all” and then no one would have to worry about anything! That’s what I would have done sounds like a ton of fun huh? I was drinking alone 90% of the time and my problems were still there in the morning. Today I’m having all these fears actually some are the same as what I used to drink away but today I don’t have to drink it away ! I can just let bad days in and do what I must to get through it and for me it is that today I PRAY!!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! It’s ok to have bad days it’s normal. It’s how you deal with that bad day don’t sit and sulk in it and continue to think about it. It’s not going to change in 5, 10 or even 30 minutes heck it may not be something that changes for quite some time. You can watch a movie, journal, color, make a bracelet, talk to a friend about THEIR problems or take a little nap. You can only change what you can and the rest you pray for the power of GODs mighty hand to do what he needs to. Life is all GODS Will there is always a lesson in everything GOD does. So today I pray when I’m feeling unworthy and I just relax, it is a feeling that I know will pass and tomorrow I will feel better. I will also go to an AA meeting and see some friends and just listen to others. You never know what you are going to learn from someone else’s experiences. I also use this forum as a journal of sorts. But I love to hear everyone’s feedback. So please feel free to comment. Remember one day, one minute and sometimes one second at a time. ❤️AMPSTRONG ❤️
I was doing my bible plan reading that I started last week Entitled “Through the eyes of a Lion” as you can tell by the title it is about being strong and facing our fears and struggles head on I took an excerpt from my reading because it really moved me to thoughts of strength, fearlessness and a fresh look on things here is the excerpt and I will leave my thoughts after:
Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.
You’re actually better fit for ministry (helping others through your own journey)in the crucible of pain. You have a stronger voice to project and to declare, and it’s easier to belt from the diaphragm of your soul when you’re hurting. It’s counterintuitive, but in the middle of my hardest mess, I’ve found ministry to be a great strength waiting to be tapped into. It was welling up within me—a greater desire than ever before to tell the whole world that Jesus Christ can turn off the dark—because I experienced it myself. Right there, at ground zero, in the valley of the shadow of death. As hard as it was to claw our way through on hands and knees in those moments, We find that there’s perhaps no time you are as powerful as when you minister in the midst of pain.
Let me tell you in the past week I’ve spent 8 1/2 of 10 days in the hospital, in for 3, out for 1, back in now today will be day 5 1/2. As you all know I had a PFT (partial foot amputation) 6 weeks ago. The reason for my most recent stay is for cellulitis in my foot. Before this amputation and after the last I had cellulitis 8 + times due to osteomyelitis, so you can imagine how much this is scaring me. They are telling me ALL the same things they did before they actually found out that I had osteomyelitis. Your pain is”phantom pain, only post op changes on MRI, only cellulitis seen on MRI, labs look ok, it’s normal to have some pain after surgery, you don’t need this it’s not that….” Well it’s very scary because they were wrong about everything before but the one change is that my new orthopedic Dr actually said ” I want you to know I’m keeping the fact that this could potentially be or turn into an osteomyelitis in the front of my mind” so I at least feel better that way.
Back to the reading I was thinking I’m going through the eye of the storm right now and don’t know what is going to happen I mean worst case scenario I could lose the lower part of my leg best case scenario I get through this infection and only lose some recovery time. In either case I need to do the next right thing which is to help another alcoholic by telling them YOU DONT HAVE TO DRINK OVER ANYTHING!!! You too can weather the storm. If we just talk our way through what’s bothering us with our sponsor or another alcoholic that can help us turn our way of thinking around we can make it through. We have to just NOT DRINK! For me my thoughts in this time are usually something I’m thinking negatively or thinking the worst about but by not being honest about these feelings and not WORKING through them it will lead me to a drink. The best way for me to get out of these feelings is to help another alcoholic or human being…..MINISTERING! I know alcoholics are not going to like the word “MINISTER” but I’m using it anyway I’m trying to make a point. We can do this with human beings in general they do not have to be alcoholic we can use this scenario anyway …..that if you keep it all in it will cause undo stress possibly even depression or severe depression.
I must do certain things daily to remain a healthy member of GODS team and when I get into a slump I have to do more for myself and my fellows. One big thing is that If I don’t give it all to GOD …let me repeat that if I don’t give it ALL to GOD I’ll be lost, stressed and sitting in self pity. A good friend once told me this quote and I still use it to this day ” I can’t, GOD can, so why not let him?! Sometimes I can’t give it up and then I ask myself this question and I can never come up with a logical answer except to, well, just do it ! Another thing I have to do is that I must wake up in prayer and CONTINUE to pray all day long , not for what I want but for what God wants for me. I have to ask GOD to direct my thoughts and actions and I have to do what GOD calls me to do, be kind to my fellows, be humble, be honest and to do theses things to the best of my ability !!! Do I do this perfectly NO NO NO NO! Never because I’m not God and I’m not perfect but I try. For instance right now I’m writing this to all of you because I feel down , I feel like giving up, I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m sad but I cannot live in these things so I’m reaching out writing to you all about what may help you which also reminds myself what helps me. It gets me out of myself and into the fact that i hope to help one of you. So please pay it forward, pass on your knowledge let me know what helps you, let’s help (minister) each other!
Love and blessings to all❤️
“All those our father gives to me will come to me,and whoever comes to me I will never drive away”
GOD,as my higher power, gives me everything I need. It may not be all I want but it will be all I need. In sobriety I’ve learned I cannot hold back my love for others or I am not being honest with myself if I have love for others that I’m holding back out of fear from rejection. As an alcoholic I live in constant fear and worry but that gets me no where but to move backwards in my program. I must live In love, kindness and forgiveness. If GOD can forgive me for all my sins how can I not do the same. I’ve been hurt by people I love and I have hurt people I love but most have welcomed my honesty and my admission of my wrongs with open arms and I am rebuilding relationships I thought were lost. The answer to get what I need from God is prayer and humility, you see I must humble myself before him and ask for his direction in my thinking because my thoughts are almost never correct.
This also helps me as an amputee. I cannot live in anger or self pity for what happened to me but I also have to humble myself enough to receive help. I thought by requesting help was being selfish and that it was me living in self pity,
but that I have learned is not the case. At this point of the amp healing I need help and I must let others help me. I MUST give my anger and fear to GOD and talk to my sponsor about my REAL and TRUE feelings or this amp can lead to a relapse physically, mentally and in recovery. I am a strong hard headed woman but that all has to be tossed out the window in order for healing to begin in all aspects in my life!
God I pray today you keep me sober and direct my thinking. I pray you take away my fear and anxiety. I pray that you direct me to treat people as I would like to be treated. My GOD please help me to be of service to another and if someone is having a bad day please help me to help them to make it better with a smile or a thank you for your help. GOD direct my every move today and remind me to check my motives in all I do. AMEN🙏🏻