Unworthy 

Wow! A lot has happened since my last post for those of you that don’t follow me on fb I will tell you I ended up in the hospital for 16 days with an infection in my partial foot amputation which did end in a below the knee amputation so things have been even crazier here now! My husband is going absolutely bonkers poor guy I don’t even know when he sleeps! I thank GOD for him everyday. So anyway today has not been the best day. I have felt just a little off if you know what I mean. My head felt very light and I felt like I was walking on air, which is not good when you’re on crutches.😂 I have had 2 close call falls one was yesterday and I fell into the microwave and the hook that closes the door latched on to my ear and tore a membrane inside so my ear is bleeding  sometimes but I can hear and the dr said I’ll live 😂 now that you all are updated here’s why I’m writing today….. I have been staying pretty positive but today I feel so unworthy! Unworthy of everything. I feel like I am not good enough and I feel that now without my leg I’m even less worthy. Who’s going to want to hang out with someone who needs to crawl into the ocean or can’t walk because her leg has blisters from her prosthetic or someone who gets tired from walking too far. I know that I’m projecting but these are some of my fears. I feel like I’m no longer one of the pretty girls so why would the pretty girls want to hang with me except out of pity …. But there goes my ego who ever said I was one of the pretty girls anyway. Who wants to hang out with someone who can’t go anywhere because this accident financially broke us!? There goes my financial insecurities. I’m sure sitting on the pity pot today aren’t I? What the hell do you do though when bad things continually happen to you? When you feel like you are unworthy of everyone’s love? When life takes you to a new bottom? In the past I would drink it all away, a few bottles of wine and the fear would leave. Some whiskey and those financial insecurities were banished. End it all with one more bottle of wine and then you REALLY want to “end it all” and then no one would have to worry about anything! That’s what I would have done sounds like a ton of fun huh?  I was drinking alone 90% of the time and my problems were still there in the morning. Today I’m having all these fears actually some are the same as what I used to drink away but today I don’t have to drink it away ! I can just let bad days in and do what I must to get through it  and for me it is that today I PRAY!!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! It’s ok to have bad days it’s normal. It’s how you deal with that bad day don’t sit and sulk in it and continue to think about it. It’s not going to change in 5, 10 or even 30 minutes heck it may not be something that changes for quite some time. You can watch a movie, journal, color, make a bracelet, talk to a friend about THEIR problems or take a little nap. You can only change what you can and the rest you pray for the power of GODs mighty hand to do what he needs to. Life is all GODS Will  there is always a lesson in everything GOD does. So today I pray when I’m feeling unworthy and I just relax, it is a feeling that I know will pass and tomorrow I will feel better. I will also go to an AA meeting and see some friends and just listen to others. You never know what you are going to learn from someone else’s experiences. I also use this forum as a journal of sorts. But I love to hear everyone’s feedback. So please feel free to comment. Remember one day, one minute and sometimes one second at a time. ❤️AMPSTRONG ❤️

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2 thoughts on “Unworthy 

  1. You have to know I can’t let that go Patti! !! I’ll be more than happy to crawl I to the ocean tswim with you!!! I love to feel the sand between my toes (& my butt!!) Just let me know when.. you can feel as sorry as you want but we all still love you tons and tons and we’ll still be here when you feel better or not!! We will still be here to love you and laugh with you and evecry with you!!! Because we LOVE you no matter how you feel!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Nancy I love you too! Just a bit of a bad day but the meeting helped me a lot! Made me feel very grateful for everyone and for my sobriety I’d for sure be dead without being sober I could not survive all this drunk !

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