Wow! A lot has happened since my last post for those of you that don’t follow me on fb I will tell you I ended up in the hospital for 16 days with an infection in my partial foot amputation which did end in a below the knee amputation so things have been even crazier here now! My husband is going absolutely bonkers poor guy I don’t even know when he sleeps! I thank GOD for him everyday. So anyway today has not been the best day. I have felt just a little off if you know what I mean. My head felt very light and I felt like I was walking on air, which is not good when you’re on crutches.😂 I have had 2 close call falls one was yesterday and I fell into the microwave and the hook that closes the door latched on to my ear and tore a membrane inside so my ear is bleeding sometimes but I can hear and the dr said I’ll live 😂 now that you all are updated here’s why I’m writing today….. I have been staying pretty positive but today I feel so unworthy! Unworthy of everything. I feel like I am not good enough and I feel that now without my leg I’m even less worthy. Who’s going to want to hang out with someone who needs to crawl into the ocean or can’t walk because her leg has blisters from her prosthetic or someone who gets tired from walking too far. I know that I’m projecting but these are some of my fears. I feel like I’m no longer one of the pretty girls so why would the pretty girls want to hang with me except out of pity …. But there goes my ego who ever said I was one of the pretty girls anyway. Who wants to hang out with someone who can’t go anywhere because this accident financially broke us!? There goes my financial insecurities. I’m sure sitting on the pity pot today aren’t I? What the hell do you do though when bad things continually happen to you? When you feel like you are unworthy of everyone’s love? When life takes you to a new bottom? In the past I would drink it all away, a few bottles of wine and the fear would leave. Some whiskey and those financial insecurities were banished. End it all with one more bottle of wine and then you REALLY want to “end it all” and then no one would have to worry about anything! That’s what I would have done sounds like a ton of fun huh? I was drinking alone 90% of the time and my problems were still there in the morning. Today I’m having all these fears actually some are the same as what I used to drink away but today I don’t have to drink it away ! I can just let bad days in and do what I must to get through it and for me it is that today I PRAY!!!! PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! It’s ok to have bad days it’s normal. It’s how you deal with that bad day don’t sit and sulk in it and continue to think about it. It’s not going to change in 5, 10 or even 30 minutes heck it may not be something that changes for quite some time. You can watch a movie, journal, color, make a bracelet, talk to a friend about THEIR problems or take a little nap. You can only change what you can and the rest you pray for the power of GODs mighty hand to do what he needs to. Life is all GODS Will there is always a lesson in everything GOD does. So today I pray when I’m feeling unworthy and I just relax, it is a feeling that I know will pass and tomorrow I will feel better. I will also go to an AA meeting and see some friends and just listen to others. You never know what you are going to learn from someone else’s experiences. I also use this forum as a journal of sorts. But I love to hear everyone’s feedback. So please feel free to comment. Remember one day, one minute and sometimes one second at a time. ❤️AMPSTRONG ❤️
I was doing my bible plan reading that I started last week Entitled “Through the eyes of a Lion” as you can tell by the title it is about being strong and facing our fears and struggles head on I took an excerpt from my reading because it really moved me to thoughts of strength, fearlessness and a fresh look on things here is the excerpt and I will leave my thoughts after:
Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.
You’re actually better fit for ministry (helping others through your own journey)in the crucible of pain. You have a stronger voice to project and to declare, and it’s easier to belt from the diaphragm of your soul when you’re hurting. It’s counterintuitive, but in the middle of my hardest mess, I’ve found ministry to be a great strength waiting to be tapped into. It was welling up within me—a greater desire than ever before to tell the whole world that Jesus Christ can turn off the dark—because I experienced it myself. Right there, at ground zero, in the valley of the shadow of death. As hard as it was to claw our way through on hands and knees in those moments, We find that there’s perhaps no time you are as powerful as when you minister in the midst of pain.
Let me tell you in the past week I’ve spent 8 1/2 of 10 days in the hospital, in for 3, out for 1, back in now today will be day 5 1/2. As you all know I had a PFT (partial foot amputation) 6 weeks ago. The reason for my most recent stay is for cellulitis in my foot. Before this amputation and after the last I had cellulitis 8 + times due to osteomyelitis, so you can imagine how much this is scaring me. They are telling me ALL the same things they did before they actually found out that I had osteomyelitis. Your pain is”phantom pain, only post op changes on MRI, only cellulitis seen on MRI, labs look ok, it’s normal to have some pain after surgery, you don’t need this it’s not that….” Well it’s very scary because they were wrong about everything before but the one change is that my new orthopedic Dr actually said ” I want you to know I’m keeping the fact that this could potentially be or turn into an osteomyelitis in the front of my mind” so I at least feel better that way.
Back to the reading I was thinking I’m going through the eye of the storm right now and don’t know what is going to happen I mean worst case scenario I could lose the lower part of my leg best case scenario I get through this infection and only lose some recovery time. In either case I need to do the next right thing which is to help another alcoholic by telling them YOU DONT HAVE TO DRINK OVER ANYTHING!!! You too can weather the storm. If we just talk our way through what’s bothering us with our sponsor or another alcoholic that can help us turn our way of thinking around we can make it through. We have to just NOT DRINK! For me my thoughts in this time are usually something I’m thinking negatively or thinking the worst about but by not being honest about these feelings and not WORKING through them it will lead me to a drink. The best way for me to get out of these feelings is to help another alcoholic or human being…..MINISTERING! I know alcoholics are not going to like the word “MINISTER” but I’m using it anyway I’m trying to make a point. We can do this with human beings in general they do not have to be alcoholic we can use this scenario anyway …..that if you keep it all in it will cause undo stress possibly even depression or severe depression.
I must do certain things daily to remain a healthy member of GODS team and when I get into a slump I have to do more for myself and my fellows. One big thing is that If I don’t give it all to GOD …let me repeat that if I don’t give it ALL to GOD I’ll be lost, stressed and sitting in self pity. A good friend once told me this quote and I still use it to this day ” I can’t, GOD can, so why not let him?! Sometimes I can’t give it up and then I ask myself this question and I can never come up with a logical answer except to, well, just do it ! Another thing I have to do is that I must wake up in prayer and CONTINUE to pray all day long , not for what I want but for what God wants for me. I have to ask GOD to direct my thoughts and actions and I have to do what GOD calls me to do, be kind to my fellows, be humble, be honest and to do theses things to the best of my ability !!! Do I do this perfectly NO NO NO NO! Never because I’m not God and I’m not perfect but I try. For instance right now I’m writing this to all of you because I feel down , I feel like giving up, I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m sad but I cannot live in these things so I’m reaching out writing to you all about what may help you which also reminds myself what helps me. It gets me out of myself and into the fact that i hope to help one of you. So please pay it forward, pass on your knowledge let me know what helps you, let’s help (minister) each other!
Love and blessings to all❤️
“All those our father gives to me will come to me,and whoever comes to me I will never drive away”
GOD,as my higher power, gives me everything I need. It may not be all I want but it will be all I need. In sobriety I’ve learned I cannot hold back my love for others or I am not being honest with myself if I have love for others that I’m holding back out of fear from rejection. As an alcoholic I live in constant fear and worry but that gets me no where but to move backwards in my program. I must live In love, kindness and forgiveness. If GOD can forgive me for all my sins how can I not do the same. I’ve been hurt by people I love and I have hurt people I love but most have welcomed my honesty and my admission of my wrongs with open arms and I am rebuilding relationships I thought were lost. The answer to get what I need from God is prayer and humility, you see I must humble myself before him and ask for his direction in my thinking because my thoughts are almost never correct.
This also helps me as an amputee. I cannot live in anger or self pity for what happened to me but I also have to humble myself enough to receive help. I thought by requesting help was being selfish and that it was me living in self pity,
but that I have learned is not the case. At this point of the amp healing I need help and I must let others help me. I MUST give my anger and fear to GOD and talk to my sponsor about my REAL and TRUE feelings or this amp can lead to a relapse physically, mentally and in recovery. I am a strong hard headed woman but that all has to be tossed out the window in order for healing to begin in all aspects in my life!
God I pray today you keep me sober and direct my thinking. I pray you take away my fear and anxiety. I pray that you direct me to treat people as I would like to be treated. My GOD please help me to be of service to another and if someone is having a bad day please help me to help them to make it better with a smile or a thank you for your help. GOD direct my every move today and remind me to check my motives in all I do. AMEN🙏🏻
Hello all! Boy has my life changed. With my new amputation I feel completely helpless. I cannot do much by myself….but I can write! The last few days my attitude has gone from super positive to anger, self pity and depression. In the last 3 days I’ve fallen about 5 times hurting both knees, my hip and straining my wrist, I feel like a Mac truck hit me and bruised me all over. I was able to get up and down the stairs on my bottom like a child but now my husband has to throw me over his shoulder and carry me up because I’m so bruised up and in so much pain all over. I also found out that with a PFT (partial foot amputation) that I am at high risk of eventually getting a BKA (below the knee amp) especially since I have peripheral neuropathy and IGG deficiency which is an immune disease where my body doesn’t produce IGG which helps fight of infection. I’m still non weight baring from the amputation on Jan 24th and still have stitches in which means I still can’t make dinner, clean, do anything for my 3 yr old,I can’t even pick her up, or do anything for my family or anyone else. Friday I am “supposed” to get a heel boot and be able to slowly start walking on my heel and start physical therapy. I will also be fitted for my shoe insert and my prosthetic soon. I have found 2 support groups that have recently welcomed me with open arms. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I’m tired of being sick and tired I feel like my plate is over flowing with life in general. One of the girls that welcomed me has become my friend on Facebook and through her inspirational post today I decided to have a little talk with GOD….it went well😍. About halfway through the conversation I started to feel a sense of strength and hope. I realized it was GOD putting back together and back into positivity. Have the past few days been bad? Yes! Do I feel helpless? Yes! I’m I angry at the situation? Yes! Does this make me who I am? NO!!! I survived the venom of the highest level it could get, I survived 5 surgeries so far, I have made it through all my falls without serious injury,I have remained sober and I have picked my self up from falling into serious depression. I AM A STORY OF HOPE TO OTHERS, I AM AN AMPUTEE AND THATS OK! I AM UNIQUELY ME❣ I sat today and thanked GOD for getting me through everything and thanked him for every single little thing in my life (it was a long conversation LOL) None of what I’m going through makes me less than. I WILL persevere and I will be ok. I have so much support in my life from my family and my second family in the rooms of AA. I know I can do this and I know that this is nothing compared to what so many others go through. I know this journey is going to be lifelong and at times very difficult but I will make it! GOD will provide me with every NEED not WANT! I know GOD is next to me every day cheering me on to be the person he made me to be. I am here going through all of this for a purpose. I may have bad days but I’m human so whether im an amputee or not that will happen. Im on a journey that I need to be thankful for because whether I realize it or not it is a lesson, a gift from GOD to teach me strength , to teach me to humble myself, to teach me to be more aware of the feelings of others,to teach me love myself as I am, to teach me to help others when they need it, to teach me that where there is darkness there is also light! Has my life changed forever? YES! And I thank GOD for that because if I don’t embrace it I’m being non compliant to GODS plan. We all need to look into GODS plan and find the lesson rather than finding anger and despair in the things happening around us and to us. Until next time my friends let’s practice awareness!
Today I don’t need to dig too deep to see what I’m feeling because all my feelings, good & bad are right here at the surface of my soul. I’ve become more spiritual in recent months and I know more than anything that GOD is near to me, either carrying me or guiding me or even giving me that little nudge to let me know he’s here. Knowing all of that I ‘m still feeling as if it’s never going to get better though the reality is that it will get better but I just don’t feel that right now. I’m on the verge of tears every moment and even when I don’t want to talk about it a simple act of kindness by a “hey how are you feeling ?” Makes me feel like completely breaking down. I just say I’m doing ok because I know that if I say how bad i feel someone will want to talk about it further & sometimes I don’t want to talk about it. My ego is crushed I feel like a child trying to get around, my 3 yr old does better than me. I’m confined in our room, with no one to interact with as my husband is too busy with the kids, I feel very alone right now and don’t know which end is up! I need to pray and bring GOD to the surface to fight some of these feelings for me. I need to keep his love and power close to my heart to help me heal. GOD is the only that has the power to get me through this mess.
Well I’m back again folks been a little busy getting a foot amputation. I know that I had said I had prepared for this because after all it’s been since December 9th I’ve known it was going to happen. That being said, The first 2 days were ok 3/4 not the best you get the picture things keep moving more and more into anxiety and depression mode. The pain is actually a lot better it has its extreme moments but over all I have less pain. The Drs told me when I got home I’ll still feel a little weird from all the new meds and from the many surgeries with anesthesia by the way did you know that even though anesthesia leaves your body within 24 hrs it can effect your brain in little ways for like a month? I just learned this because I feel bat shit crazy and the dr explained to me with this many surgeries it’s quite normal. When I talk I forget what I’m saying in the middle of a sentence. I forget to do certain things. It’s awful. I’ve also got this tremor in my hands and nerves that jump all over my body and that is when my foot hurts the most because those nerves get all crazy and wacked out LOL, it’s true though. I’m going through so many physical changes due amputation and to all the new meds he put me on. I feel like I could really break down today. I am completely helpless right now I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself because even at home I’ve fallen twice. I’m sure someone can relate, someone has to get my food , get me in and out of tub, get me on the toilet and back up (getting up is much harder than going to sit) I know this going to pass but I’m a super duper control freak so I’m dying here I also have always been extremely independent and these days I’m not! I was bad before the surgery but I’m worse now, at least before I could go pee by myself no one had to lift me off the toilet for goodness sakes! The couch or bed is all I’ve got right now and I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues. I feel as if everyone has heard about it so much they don’t want to hear about it anymore. I can’t even go to a AA meeting cause I can’t ride In a car until I see dr in Thursday, reasoning is if there is an accident I could injure myself really badly on the left foot. I’m bored I’m sad as hell I keep thinking its not forever but right now in the moment I feel like an Ogar now I have this ugly stump! I feel alone and tired! I want to cry all the time I feel like a baby and I don’t like it. I’m a hot hot mess right now I’m not in a good way. I will end with this I love my GOD and he has a plan and I’m just following his lead I know he is the one to give me strength through all of this I know it’s all part of a bigger plan I know that right now I’m so low I know I’m not walking with him but he is carrying me❤️
As an alcoholic in sobriety feeling emotions is awkward. It takes time and WORK to let your emotions out let alone handle them appropriately. For instance it is easier for me to share on social media or on this blog than it is for me to actually talk about things via phone or face to face. And I’ve had a tendency to hold things in until I’m inconsolable and angry, ready for a fight . Because of course I haven’t felt for over 22 yrs because I drank all those feelings of inadequacy, anger, sadness, anxiety , depression even happiness away. I’m learning now that just because I ask for help or say I need to let it out I am not weak actually it’s quite the opposite I’m strong, I’m a fighter, because I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. I went to my first Drs appointment of the week yesterday and got the news that my foot is in worse condition than we even thought and I am now on bed rest until my appointment with the vascular surgeon. I was told it would be a miracle if I don’t lose my whole foot and will most probably need a below the knee amputation. Before it was more of the fact that I needed to see the vascular surgeon and will likely lose part your foot maybe all of it and possibly a BKA (below the knee amputation) but that’s drastic. In the 3 weeks since the news of the fact I will lose part of my foot the necrosis and circulation is so poor my foot looks almost grey. I have attached a picture but it actually looks worse than the picture, at least that’s what the dr and my husband said. My dr also found that under all my toes my skin is blue and the only way I get any type of relief is through elevation, pain meds and rest. So today I actually opened up and said I need help! I’m an emotional wreck! I thought I was totally prepared to lose the foot and even feeling ok with a BKA (worst case scenerio)as long as the pain was gone. Don’t get me wrong I know this needs to be done and the pain will just get worse as it has been but I’m scared. What if something goes wrong? What if I get a blood clot? What if I don’t make it through the surgery because my blood pressure is so low? What if pain is worse? Those are just the things I’m scared of. I’m also angry! I’m angry with the Drs that screwed up the first surgery as I was told this never should have happened, that the necrotic tissue should have been completely removed on the first surgery. And after the second surgery it should have been removed as soon as they knew it was there but they didn’t know it was there cause the pathologist didn’t see it! It was found on a second and third opinion on the pathology. I’m angry at our development because they knew there was an overpopulation of cottonmouths in our area but no one was notified and nothing was done until after I lost my toe then they just asked residents to report snake sighting and so not get close to the snakes…I’m sorry but DUH yeah don’t get close to them. They started an “investigation”in sept which was one month after my second surgery but still nothing has been done. I’m angry that I can’t take care of my kids or my husband. I have been a terrible wife and mother for years due to my addiction to every and all liquor,beer,wine, I mean it really didn’t matter. Getting sober and learning to live life again after over 22 years of drinking is NOT easy. I’m learning all over again how to live,love, forgive, humble myself, trust in GOD and other people ,which is a huge stretch for me cause Ive never trusted anything or anyone. Today I’m reaching out a lot and I’m praying a lot I’m keeping close to my big book my friends both AA and the normies LOL. I’m thanking GOD a lot for all of the support I have and for his grace to forgive me for my sins past and present. I know he loves me and forgives me but I was raised in a verbally abusive household where you were going to hell for everything and anything bad that happened was due to something I did wrong (karma). I can’t help but wonder if all of this is punishment for sins of my past, I mean bitten by a serpent that in a lot of cases represents the devil. Now that I wrote that and said it out loud maybe it was the devil maybe he’s pissed because I’m a born again Christian and I turn only to GOD for answers and I know he is my father and that he sent his only son to die for MY SINS! And that this is just proving even further that GOD loves me and he is carrying me through this pain because I honestly don’t know how I am doing this without being riddled with depression and selfishness not to mention going through it without a drink! Tomorrow I will find out the final decision on my foot (GOD WILLING). I see my neurologist and the vascular surgeon late tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I can update everyone soon after that once I notify friends and family. Thanks to all for listening to my ramble….love and peace always❤️