Emotionally feeling

As an alcoholic in sobriety feeling emotions is awkward. It takes time and WORK to let your emotions out let alone handle them appropriately. For instance it is easier for me to share on social media or on this blog than it is for me to actually talk about things via phone or face to face. And I’ve had a tendency  to hold things in until I’m inconsolable and angry, ready for a fight . Because of course I haven’t felt for over 22 yrs because I drank all those feelings of inadequacy, anger, sadness, anxiety , depression even happiness away. I’m learning now that just because I ask for help or say I need to let it out I am not weak actually it’s quite the opposite I’m strong, I’m a fighter, because I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. I went to my first Drs appointment of the week yesterday and got the news that my foot is in worse condition than we even thought and I am now on bed rest until my appointment with the vascular surgeon. I was told it would be a miracle if I don’t lose my whole foot and will most probably need a below the knee amputation. Before it was more of the fact that I needed to see the vascular surgeon and will likely lose part your foot maybe all of it and possibly a BKA (below the knee amputation) but that’s drastic. In the 3 weeks since the news of the fact I will lose part of my foot the necrosis and circulation is so poor my foot looks almost grey. I have attached a picture but it actually looks worse than the picture, at least that’s what the dr and my husband said. My dr also found that under all my toes my skin is blue and the only way I get any type of relief is through elevation, pain meds and rest. So today I actually opened up and said I need help! I’m an emotional wreck! I thought I was totally prepared to lose the foot and even feeling ok with a BKA (worst case scenerio)as long as the pain was gone. Don’t get me wrong I know this needs to be done and the pain will just get worse as it has been but I’m scared. What if something goes wrong? What if I get a blood clot? What if I don’t make it through the surgery because my blood pressure is so low? What if pain is worse? Those are just the things I’m scared of. I’m also angry! I’m angry with the Drs that screwed up the first surgery as I was told this never should have happened, that the necrotic tissue should have been completely removed on the first surgery. And after the second surgery it should have been removed as soon as they knew it was there but they didn’t know it was there cause the pathologist didn’t see it! It was found on a second and third opinion on the pathology. I’m angry at our development because they knew there was an overpopulation of cottonmouths in our area but no one was notified and nothing was done until after I lost my toe then they just asked residents to report snake sighting and so not get close to the snakes…I’m sorry but DUH yeah don’t get close to them. They started an “investigation”in sept which was one month after my second surgery but still nothing has been done. I’m angry that I can’t take care of my kids or my husband. I have been a terrible wife and mother for years due to my addiction to every and all liquor,beer,wine, I mean it really didn’t matter. Getting sober and learning to live life again after over 22 years of drinking is NOT easy. I’m learning all over again how to live,love, forgive, humble myself, trust in GOD and other people ,which is a huge stretch for me cause Ive never  trusted anything or anyone. Today I’m reaching out a lot and I’m praying a lot I’m keeping close to my big book my friends both AA and the normies LOL. I’m thanking GOD a lot for all of the support I have and for his grace to forgive me for my sins past and present. I know he loves me and forgives me but I was raised in a verbally abusive household where you were going to hell for everything and anything bad that happened was due to something I did wrong (karma). I can’t help but wonder if all of this is punishment for sins of my past, I mean bitten by a serpent that in a lot of cases represents the devil. Now that I wrote that and said it out loud maybe it was the devil maybe he’s pissed because I’m a born again Christian and I turn only to GOD for answers and I know he is my father and that he sent his only son to die for MY SINS! And that this is just proving even further that GOD loves me and he is carrying me through this pain because I honestly don’t know how I am doing this without being riddled with depression and selfishness not to mention going through it without a drink! Tomorrow I will find out the final decision on my foot (GOD WILLING). I see my neurologist and the vascular surgeon late tomorrow afternoon so hopefully I can update everyone soon after that once I notify friends and family. Thanks to all for listening to my ramble….love and peace always❤️ 

    
 

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8 thoughts on “Emotionally feeling

  1. OMG Patti, I am so sorry for all you’ve been through and knowing you’re not done yet. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you and that you share so openly (spell check doesn’t like that word F thm… ) I love you tons you u will always be my hero!!

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  2. Though God’s forgiveness is very real, we often have to deal with the consequences of past rebellion against God. I pray that God would touch you with healing in all the ways you need it, physically, emotionally, spiritually. May you have the courage to release everything to Him and rest in His arms.

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  3. Patti, I can’t even begin to tell you how very proud of you that I am. You are so strong and so brave to speak openly about this. One day at a time God will see you through this too. Right now you are going through one of the hardest things any sober person could ever endure. And Patti, you have remained sober! You are amazing!!!!! Keep leaning on Jesus and keep trusting that He knows your story!!!! He wrote it!!!! Love you bunches! ❤️😘

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    1. Thank you Cheri I hope you know as well how much I love you and the inspiration you provide me with daily. I think of you every day and of the woman you are and how I want to be more like you. I love you my friend xoxo❤️😘🙏🏻😇

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  4. I am SO VERY sorry for your pain, Patti. Truly I am.
    I LOVE how open, honest, willing, and courageous, you are and it comes through loud and clear through your writing! I LOVE that you have found THIS outlet, as well as the others you mentioned.
    I don’t understand WHY things happen to us the way we do. What I HAVE FOUND is if I stay close to GOD and “my Tribe” as Shannon calls some of us (and you totally are MY TRIBE), we CAN not only survive ANYTHING with out turning to our old behaviors, we CAN endure, come to understand, grow, flourish, and best of all, be used by GOD in the most beautiful and unexpected ways.
    I have read in the BB (I think it was there) and with each 24 hrs, I have come to understand the meaning of “nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake”.
    And the other thing I have found SO MUCH TRUTH in is “Nothing in God’s Economy is ever wasted”.

    These two pearls of wisdom have carried my through days I just wished I could disappear. I have these days still, though they are lest frequent and the emotional pain last just a bit less longer each time.
    I LOVE YOU!!
    Jeannie

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